


Get Me to the Church on Time

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Yet Another Gratuitously Fluffy Darcyland Soulmate AU [16]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Annoying relatives, Darcyland, F/M, OC family members coming out the woodwork, SHIP DARCY WITH ALL THE THINGS, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Weddings, wedding mayhem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-15 23:01:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9262061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: Weddings.  A time for family, togetherness, annoying relatives, and highway robbery.Ah, the romance!





	

**Author's Note:**

> For Angel, who said 'Darcy's cousin always tries to one up Darce. So on her sister's wedding flaunts her millionaire soulmate. Her soulmates were running late so her cousin mocks her that she is lying and doesn't even have soulmates. Then they get attacked. Darcy tells the attackers to let her go if they preserve their life but they don't. Then her soulmates- Steve, Bucky, Tony come and the goons get damn scared. Darcy gets special treatment from them.'
> 
> It got away from me a wee bit, but then, they always do. Thanks for the prompt!

Darcy loved her family, she really did.  And with two brothers and a sister, not to mention assorted aunts, uncles, cousins, and whatnot, she certainly had enough to go around.  Generally speaking, she jumped at any opportunity to go home for a couple of days.  Her sister’s wedding should have been one of those occasions, if not for one person.

Cousin Sally, Darcy’s own personal Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.

Cousin Sally was of the opinion—largely unsubstantiated—that anything Darcy could do, she could do better, in less time, without breaking a sweat, and all while looking _Fabulous™._   She got a political science degree from a bigger, more expensive school while Darcy was studying at Culver, ingratiated herself with more…respectable astrophysicists while Darcy was trailing Jane around Puente Antiguo, Tromsø, and London, and she—completely by coincidence, naturally—became the PR representative for a high-profile activist group (Movement for the Monitoring of Unsafe Powered People and Enhanced Technologies, or MMUPPET) shortly after Darcy officially went to work for the Avengers.

The only thing in life she couldn’t control was her soulmate, but even there, it seemed like she was blessed by the universe.  She had been explaining this in detail to Darcy all weekend, cornering her repeatedly as she went about taking care of last-minute details of the wedding.  Darcy was ready to crawl inside one of the flower arrangements and refuse to come out after until the bride and groom left for New Zealand.  Unfortunately, Tilney Lewis—soon to be Strawhacker—would never forgive her for abandoning her Maid of Honour duties, and Clara Lewis would haul her recalcitrant daughter out of the tastefully arranged lilacs and orchids by her ear and lecture her about the importance of facing annoying family members with the same sangfroid she displayed when dealing with bratty superheroes and assorted goons.

She sorely regretted the fact that she’d left Balrog with Bruce for the weekend.  No jury in the world would convict a hungry bilgesnipe for taking advantage of a convenient snack.  But Tilney had put her foot down before Darcy could even broach the subject of bringing Balrog along.  Apparently bilgesnipes didn’t figure in her wedding dreams, something about antlers and scales and teeth not being part of the aesthetic, and not wanting to risk wedding guest being eaten.  It was more than Darcy could fathom.  Who _wouldn’t_ want a bilgesnipe at their wedding?  Antlers, scales, and teeth made an _awesome_ aesthetic, and some people deserved to get eaten.

One of those people had been following her around all morning, and was currently attempting to irritate her to death.

‘So Stanton met me at the airport with a dozen roses.  He’s so romantic!  And did I mention he’s a millionaire?’  Cousin Sally’s slightly nasal voice grated on Darcy’s already-frazzled nerves as she triple-checked the seating arrangements in the reception hall.  The whole point of hiding out here rather than taking her place at the staging area was so that she wouldn’t have to be around Cousin Sally any more than strictly necessary.  Unfortunately, Cousin Sally didn’t seem to have gotten the memo.

‘Is he really?  I must have not heard you the first fifty-seven times you mentioned it.’  Darcy supposed she should be grateful.  When you grow up with someone like Cousin Sally, managing mad scientists, bratty superheroes, and assorted minions of darkness was a piece of cake.

‘You’ll meet him at the reception, you lucky thing.  You’ve never met a millionaire before, have you?’

Darcy twitched a fork a millimeter to the left and decided she probably couldn’t get away with adding poison ivy to the centrepiece of Cousin Sally’s table.  ‘No, can’t say that I have.  I do know a billionaire, though.  That’s almost the same thing, right?’

‘Oh Darcy, you’re so droll.  Are you still trotting out that old joke of knowing Tony Stark?’

‘You know perfectly well I work for the Avengers, Sally.  Be hard _not_ to know him, especially since he’s one of my soulmates.’

‘Really, Darcy.  It was funny the first couple of times, but you must know that it makes you look kind of pathetic.’  Cousin Sally put a hand on Darcy’s arm.  ‘I say this as your sister.’

Darcy sidestepped the hand and rolled her eyes.  ‘We’re second cousins.’

‘You’ve always been like a sister to me.  You know how I’ve always looked up to you.’

‘Mmhm.  How’s life at Mmuppet?’

Cousin Sally shot her a dirty look.  ‘It’s M.M.U.P.P.E.T., as you are well aware.’

‘How long did it take to come up with that name, anyway?’

‘Stanton put a lot of thought into it.  He wanted to properly express the concerns average citizens have about the way the Avengers operate without supervision or oversight.’

‘So it was an accident, then.  That actually makes it funnier.’

‘There’s no need to belittle my soulmate, just because you’re disappointed about yours.’

Darcy stalked from the reception hall to the staging area, where Tilney and the other bridesmaids were waiting.  ‘Look, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you.  I’m platonics with Steve and Tony and romantics with Bucky.  They’ll be here for the reception, you can see for yourself.’

‘Really, Darcy—’

Tilney grabbed Darcy and Cousin Sally by their shoulders, glaring darkly at them both.  ‘Listen you two, this is _my_ wedding.  You _will_ knock off the bickering, or I will beat you both to death with my bouquet.  Get it?’

Cousin Sally was blinking at Tilney in shock, so Darcy nodded.  ‘Got it.’

‘Good.’  Tilney pointed two fingers from her eyes to the pair of them, then resumed her place beside Basil Lewis, smiling serenely as she tucked her arm through his.

Basil patted her hand.  ‘You’re just like your mother.’

‘Aw, thanks, Dad!’  Tilney pecked him on the cheek.  Since she—along with every Lewis child except Darcy—had inherited his height, she barely had to go on tiptoes.  Not that Darcy was bitter about that or anything.

Darcy took her place in front of Tilney and Basil, while Cousin Sally scurried inside to take her seat with Clara, Bennet, Elliot, and the rest of the assembled Lewis and Callahan clans.  Darcy was tempted to do a victory dance to celebrate freedom from Cousin Sally for the whole of the ceremony, but she knew Tilney was fully capable of whacking her over the head with her bouquet.  Basil would let her, too.  Instead, Darcy waited calmly for the string quartet to begin Bach’s Prelude from Suite no.1 for Unaccompanied Cello, AKA the Cello Song.  She had argued hard for the bridesmaids to walk to Centuries by Fall Out Boy, but Tilney told her flatly that rock music would not be figuring in the wedding program, thank you very much.

Tilney had no _vision._

She had nice taste in music though, even if it was mostly classical.  Instead of walking down the aisle to the Wedding March or Canon in D (or Get Me to the Church on Time—Tilney pointed out that Alfred P. Doolittle was many things, but an exemplary role model for marriage was not one of them), she’d found a lovely quartet version of the Pas de Deux from the Nutcracker.  How she kept from twirling her way down the aisle, Darcy had no idea.  Well, maybe it was the way she completely focused on Luke, waiting for her next to the pastor.  The heart eyes those two were exchanging would have made Darcy want to throw up, if the pair of them weren’t so stinkin’ adorable.

She spent the majority of the ceremony torn between trying not to sob uncontrollably and trying not to laugh at Bennet and Elliot, who _were_ sobbing uncontrollably.  As she was turning her attention back to Tilney and Luke, she caught Clara surreptitiously filming her sons’ breakdown.  When Clara realized Darcy was watching her, she raised an eyebrow and winked.  Darcy grinned.

And then the church doors slammed opened.

‘This is a robbery!  All you rich folk take off your jewelry and get out your wallets!’  Four men in ski masks and dark clothes burst into the sanctuary, brandishing semi-automatic weapons.

The entire church stared at them in shock.  Except for Cousin Sally, who screamed loud enough to shatter china.  Fortunately, there wasn’t any in the sanctuary.  The head bandit pointed at her with his gun.  ‘Shut up, lady!’  Cousin Sally cut herself off faster than Ariel selling her voice to Ursula for a pair of legs.  Darcy was impressed.  It took a lot to get Cousin Sally to stop talking.

‘Was I not clear, people?  Valuables!  Now!’  He waved his gun threateningly, but restrained himself from shooting up the ceiling.  Darcy narrowed her eyes.  Interesting.

She hit the panic button in her ring and stepped in front of Luke, who was shielding Tilney.  ‘Uh, excuse me?  Hi, yes.  I think you made a mistake.  See, none of us have much in the way of valuables.  Maybe you were thinking of a different wedding to crash?  I think I heard one of the Kardashians is getting married just up the road.’

‘What about her?’ one of the muggers asked, pointing his gun at Cousin Sally, who whimpered.  ‘She’s wearing a fortune.’

‘What, Sally?  Nah!  It’s all fake.  Costume jewelry.  She just likes the sparkles.’

‘How dare you, Darcy!  These are heirloom diamonds!  They’ve been in Stanton’s family for years!’

Darcy covered her eyes.  ‘Really, Sally?  _Really?’_

Thing One gestured with his gun, and two of his—henchmen?  Allies?—went to relieve Cousin Sally of her bling while the fourth stayed by the door.

Cousin Sally shrieked and swatted at their hands.  ‘My soulmate is Stanton Lacy!  He won’t stand for you treating me this way!’

‘What’s he gonna do, protest them to death?’  Darcy shared an eyeroll with the goons.  ‘Amateur.  Listen guys, three things.’  She pulled Palpatine from its specially-made holster.  Bilgesnipes were one thing, but Tilney knew better than to separate her sister from her sister’s taser.  ‘One:  I will tase the first person that lays a finger on me.  Two, I happen to be soulmates with three of the Avengers.  Think about that for a minute.  Three:  This is my sister’s wedding you’re interrupting, and she’s scarier than the Hulk when she’s angry.’  Glancing at Clara, she added, ‘And our mom’s way scarier than the both of us.  I mean, she married Dad _and_ raised the four of us.’

‘Wait, you’re soulmates with the Avengers?’

‘Which ones?’

‘Do you know Thor?’

‘Dude, I _tased_ Thor.’

Thing Four hugged his gun and whispered, ‘That is so cool!’

Thing One headslapped him.  ‘We are _not_ here to fanboy over the Avengers!  We’re here to get rich!’  He swung around, pointing his gun at Darcy.  And I don’t care who you are or who you know, a single taser is no match for four guns.’

‘That’s true,’ Darcy admitted.  Then she pointed Palpatine at him and pulled the trigger.  As he writhed on the floor, the entire church looking on in shock, she twirled Palpatine and grinned.  ‘But it goes a long way against fake guns.  And who said all I had was a single taser?’ she asked, as the sanctuary doors burst open a second time, admitting the Winter Soldier, Captain America, Iron Man, and the rest of the Avengers.  She waved.  ‘Hey guys!  Perfect timing!’

Thing Two grabbed the Thing Three’s arm.  ‘That’s the Black Widow!’

‘She’s even more beautiful in person!  And I am so terrified right now!’

Thing Four was almost jumping up and down.  ‘I can’t believe I get to be beat up by Thor!’

Iron Man landed next to Darcy.  ‘Hey soul sister!  Got your signal.  Sorry we couldn’t get here sooner—traffic was murder.  Looks like you have everything in hand, though.’

She elbowed him, grinning.  ‘Took you long enough.  I’ll be generous and let you handle the clean-up.’

Bucky glared at the would-be bandits before looking Darcy over for injuries.  ‘You okay, doll?’

She leaned up and gave him a quick kiss.  ‘M’fine, sweetie.  Good to see you.’

Steve was going around shaking hands with her family.  ‘Mrs. Lewis.  Mr. Lewis.  Miss Lewis—or is it Mrs. Strawhacker?  Sorry for disrupting the wedding like this.’

Tilney laughed, sharing a grin with Luke.  ‘You kidding?  That was awesome!’  It was easy to forget sometimes that Tilney and Darcy were sisters, but the matching looks of manic glee they wore at the moment made their relationship quite clear.

Basil put his arm around Clara’s shoulders.  ‘It wouldn’t be a Lewis family event without some kind of mayhem.’  He glanced at Luke’s parents, who looked slightly shell-shocked.  ‘We did warn you.’

Bucky activated full Winter Soldier mode to glare at the remaining goons, who looked like they wished they were sharing the blissful oblivion of their drooling leader.  ‘You mooks pulled a gun on my soulmate.’

Thing Two swallowed.  ‘If it helps, they were fake?’

Thing Three added, ‘If we’d known they were associated with the Avengers, we would have found a different wedding to rob!’

‘But we got to meet the _Avengers,_ guys!’ Thing Four said, gesturing wildly.  ‘It was worth it!’

Bucky crossed his arms, unimpressed.  ‘You’ll have plenty of time to rethink your life choices in jail.’

All three deflated.  ‘Does that mean we can’t see the end of the wedding?’ asked Thing Two sadly.

Darcy couldn’t help feeling sorry for them.  They reminded her of the Stormtroopers from the original trilogy—almost endearing in their awkward incompetence.  She turned to Luke and Tilney.  ‘Well, _is_ your wedding, guys, but whadda ya say?  Can we hold off on the arrest until after the kiss?’

Luke looked at Tilney and shrugged.  ‘I don’t mind if you don’t.’

Tilney rolled her eyes.  ‘Fine.  Just ’til the end of the ceremony.  But no cake!’

Later, after they’d waved goodbye to the robbers and Tilney and Luke had their first dance, Clara turned her attention to mothering Steve into eating his bodyweight at the buffet while Tony argued with the DJ about the music.

‘No, Tony!  There will be no Black Sabbath at my wedding!’ 

‘C’mon, Tilney!  Live a little!’

Darcy shrugged and grinned at Bucky as they swayed to Strange Magic on the dancefloor.  ‘So that was fun.’

Bucky shook his head.  ‘You Lewises can’t do anything the easy way, can you?’

‘It’s not _my_ fault a bunch of James Gang wannabes suddenly decided to pretend they were in the old west,’ Darcy protested indignantly.

‘And yet, of all the weddings they could have chosen, they picked your sister’s.’  He laughed and kissed her nose.  ‘You really are a trouble magnet.’

‘Yeah, well, you should be grateful.  It’s the only explanation for how I ended up with you for a soulmate.’

‘You’re as bad as Steve, you know that?  You might not go looking for it like he does, but you find it all the same.  You could be twins.’

She gasped theatrically.  ‘Them’s fightin’ words, Barnes!’  She tried to thump his chest, but he dipped her, planting a quick kiss on her lips.

‘Love you too, Darce.’

She laughed as he brought her back up.  ‘Sap.  I adore you.’  Pursing her lips thoughtfully, she added, ‘But how do you feel about Centuries as a wedding march?’

‘Are you proposing?’

She shrugged.  ‘Depends on your answer, I think.’

He grinned.  ‘That sounds swell.’

**Author's Note:**

> Cousin Sally was remarkably quiet for the rest of the night, and uncommonly respectful to Darcy for years to come. Sort of like Mrs. Bennet at the end of P&P.
> 
> Darcy and Bucky did play Centuries at their wedding, and Balrog was involved. Bucky shares Darcy's opinion on wedding aesthetics.
> 
> Things Two through Four saw the error of their ways and have since been rehabilitated. They work as staff for a wedding coordinator. Thing One is still in jail.
> 
> As always, if you have a prompt, leave it in the comments below, or [shoot the breeze](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/ask) on my tumblr. No smut, slash, or polyships, please and thank you.
> 
> Namarie, my little bilgesnipes!


End file.
